The Millennial Toilet

   Home. Our Atlantic land journey has been completed. A trip that saw Honey and I drive a little more the 12,000kms, over 30 days. An epic journey, for both of us. When you add distance, to number of days of travel, then divide that by the number of times I got lost, then multiply by things that we learned because we were lost, the trip was a 10. I was lost a lot. My health was good, and most of the days were sunny. We both came home with vacation tans.

Returning home felt odd. Just looking at the flat prairies seemed foreign. Every day for a month I had been driving through or around something. The Canadian Shield, the Appalachian Valley and along crazy coastlines. Then all of a sudden nothing! Just flat!! Not even a bend!!! I live in the most boring part of the country. The middle!! But it is still home, and it was nice to be home after thirty days.

   There are plenty of stories to tell. The problem is that most of them are ‘you had to be there’ moments, and try as I do, it was only funny because I was there. Some of you will hear directly from me, and I will probably still try to describe an event, because I like to talk, and will ultimately end my story with, “you had to be there”. For this, I apologize in advance, but that’s the cost of having personal contact with me, and after all, I listen to your ‘had to be there’ stories too. At least, when I’m not talking.

There are some things though…

The Millennial toilet. Most have us have seen them. They’re the low-flow ones, with the button on the top of the tank, that you now frequently find in hotels. The button is split in two, with one side being larger than the other. The Millennial toilet, also comes with a cover that with only a gentle touch, will cause it to close automatically in slow motion. Okay… do I really need this??? I have to wait for the cover to close before I can flush! What’s the bathroom trying to tell me? That I’m not capable of closing a toilet seat?? And what is the deal with the split button?!!?

Until this trip, it hadn’t really mattered what the deal was. I had only encountered these toilets in hotels, what and when I pushed didn’t matter. I was in a hotel, I worked on the ‘bigger is better’ approach and I pushed the large side, and since I was paying for the room cleaning and had no idea who the cleaner was, I just flushed, walked away, and left a tip on the bed. But when I arrived in Ottawa, the damn toilets were everywhere! Even my brother had one in his new condo!! Now the split button and slow-motion lid mattered! I tried to ‘google’ toilet etiquette! I wound up reading articles about what to do when you have irritable bowel issues!! Why don’t they put instructions right on the toilet??!! I’m a senior citizen!! I’ve used a toilet with a chain!!

   I felt like an idiot every time I went to the bathroom. I washed my hands as I watched the lid slowly close, and then I flushed, then I waited another twenty seconds for the lid to close again, after I checked to be sure everything had disappeared from the bowl. I didn’t want to push on the lid in case I break something. I don’t know what a Millennial toilet costs, but it wasn’t in my travel budget to replace if it suddenly had a spasm and started slamming up and down because I forced it shut. I was going to have to swallow my pride, and ask someone to explain to me how to use a toilet. I’m sixty-one years-old!!!

Then out of nowhere, as I return from the bathroom with the question on my tongue, ready to suck-it-up and admit my stupidity, my brother comes to my rescue. For no good reason I can see other than starting a conversation or to demonstrate his Millennial knowledge and superior wisdom, my brother blurts out. “Do you know what the two buttons are for?”, and before I can even reply, he answers his own question. “The small ones for number one, and the big one is for number two.” Then he added, “I didn’t know that, I had to ask.” Well thank you for not having to make me go through that embarrassment, bro. Always looking out for me. What a guy… it was very touching 😊

But… I guess you had to be there.







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  1. //

    Welcome home! I figured you’d be arriving home on September 9th.

    I got a good chuckle out of this post. So as far a having to be there goes, I guess I’m already there.

  2. //

    I guess I’ll need to print out user instructions for future guests!

    1. //

      Maybe one for the kettle too… (-:

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