The one thing I can honestly say, is that a massive dose of chemo medicine is everything advertised and then some. From one day to the next you don’t know what to expect. Wake up feeling good and you’re puking by lunch, or wake up feeling like crap and puke first thing, then go for a day without puking, and then puke twice the next. Do you get the idea there is a lot of puking in my life?
Nausea isn’t the only thing severely affecting me, my aches have aches and my pains have pains. My energy level has bottomed out. I’m feeling under the ‘E’. Trying to paddle with just one oar. My get up and go has got… I’m sure you get the point. So, many things are impacting my current day-to-day life, that I don’t know what to highlight. After cutting off all my hair I can’t really complain about hair loss, can I? I just like to mention puking, my bad.
I believe I did myself a favour when I shaved my head. Watching as it came out in drain-clogging heaps would have been an agony. Hoping maybe it would stop and it wouldn’t be so bad. Not to mention the mess it was making on everything. I couldn’t move anywhere in the house without leaving a trail of grey. Yes, I think I did myself a favour.
I trusted ‘Binder’ when it said, ‘hair will grow back over time’, but I didn’t cut it without certain reservations. I wasn’t kidding about the bald people in my family! In my entire family, I know of only two that have a full head of hair. Me and Uncle Jeremiah. That’s it!! The only two I can think of!!! Sure, age has thinned our hair out, but at least it still covers our entire heads. Taking mine off, felt like rolling the dice. But with the help of my wife and a time-out to recharge the clippers, we took it down to stubble. I still continued to lose some of that for a while, but the trace evidence was less traumatizing.
Having to look at my odd-shaped head every morning in the mirror is no joy. For once in my life, I can recognize the similarities between myself and my bald brother. I always looked like mom, maybe because we had hair and he looked like my bald dad, but there was always a kind of blend with each other. Get rid of the hair and I think I still look like mom, thank God, but the similar features between my brother and I stand out. Our eyes, their shape and distance apart, and our brow and forehead, look similar. Maybe now he’ll stop saying I was adopted.
My hair started to grow back immediately. It’s not really visible yet, but when I rub my skull and I can feel it! I can feel the stubble appearing everywhere it originally was. I rub my head and I can feel the hair getting longer. “Is that a new hair??” I don’t remember that one from yesterday. This is exciting!! I think I’m going through puberty again!!! My hair growing is a good sign as far as I am concerned. It is the ray of hope that even with all the puking, that I am headed the right direction.
I deal with each day as it comes, and try to keep it in the best possible light. Look at the things that go right, as opposed to dwelling on things that haven’t. It’s a far cry from joy, but leaning that way helps me stay on a forward path. The one that leads to recovery, and whatever that will eventually look like. I can only hope it no longer includes carting around a bucket everywhere I go.