I feel like a pin cushion. I don’t like needles, but they have become a regular part of my life since my initial diagnosis. Blood tests, injections and IV’s have all left holes up and down my arms. I guess it’s not as bad as it could be, but damn, every time somebody says, “just a quick poke”, I want to slap them. The worst part about getting needles, is no matter how much I hate them, I don’t look away! I watch as the metal point pierces my skin, and my nerves tell me that I have an epidermal rupture. I can’t help but watch as vials are popped in and out of the syringe and filled with my blood. What am I some kind of masochist??
It is probably a good thing that I can stomach watching, because in the not-too-distant future, I will have to give myself an injection. As part of my cancer treatment, I will receive a chemo injection daily, starting 4 days prior to me entering the hospital for a stem-cell treatment, and these shots I self-administer. Seriously!!! They want me to poke myself!! What are they crazy??!! The thought gives me the shivers!!! Isn’t it bad enough that I’m doing self-diagnosis by telephone?!! Now they want me to start doing the actual procedures!! What are these people being paid for?? Advice???
I have been assured that the whole thing is ‘stupid-proof’. That’s my phrase, not theirs. They told me that they would have me come in for the first shot, so they could be there to advise me, and then send me home with the rest of the needles. That was supposed to be reassuring?? I guess that’s better than being handed the needles and a brochure, and being told to go home and read it.
I was told each syringe would be pre-filled with the precise daily measurement, and that the needle is no where as long as the needles I’ve been receiving weekly. Also, as an added bonus, I was not required to find a vein. All I was going to have to do was stab myself and push the plunger on the syringe. I’m having shivers again!!
I was told that the target area was my stomach, the fatty part. I’ve lost weight but as we all know, when it comes to weight loss, the last fat to go is the stuff on your stomach and it’s also the first to come back. I will be able to find fat, even now. I was also warned to stay away from my belly-button. That wouldn’t be hard! I saw the Matrix!! Nothing is getting near my belly-button!! The thought of a needle going into my belly-button, sends a full-blown spasm up my spine!!
Even though the nurse that explained all this to me, couldn’t see my face behind the mask I wore, my eyes must have expressed my concern, because she said to me, “…don’t worry, it’ll be easy-peasy.” Really??? Easy-Peasy?! That was supposed to help??? Well, thanks for that Dr. Suess!
I’m sure I can give myself an injection, but right now I’m dreading it. I’ve done many things that I have dreaded doing and I always seem to muster up the courage required to complete the task. This will be no different. It will be the first time I have intentionally caused myself pain and that is a wee bit disconcerting. But I still have two weeks until I must face my fear, so for now I won’t think about it… Too much.