A Father’s Day Conspiracy?

Original publication June 2012

It’s Father’s Day. The day that once a year we pay homage to the men that raised us. When my children were young it was the day they would take me golfing. WAIT A MINUTE!!Wasn’t that Mother’s Day??? That my loyal reader, is the difference between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. On Mother’s Day, fathers take the children out of Mom’s hair, and on Father’s Day, mothers tell their children to go spend time with dad. Where is the “fair” in that?


If I were to go to my local Links this morning, every group would have at least one child in it, sometimes more. They’ll be running around the putting green with clubs that are too large and shouting “Hey Dad, Watch this!!” as they smack the ball clear across the green, narrowly missing some poor senior that forgot it was Father’s Day and thought he’d get in a quick round before church let out. Forget “quick”, Grandpa! There is nothing fast about playing golf on Father’s Day. The courses will be jammed with juniors, cluttering up the fairways and clubhouses. It would be best to stay home unless you are prepared to commit the majority of your day doing your best to be patient with your children.


After surviving the golf ritual, fathers will return home where their wives will tell them that they will be having steaks for dinner and would they start the Bar-B-Q. Okay let me get this straight. I just spent the day minding the children and now I’m cooking!!!  What is this? Mother’s Day part two?!! The worst part is that the mothers knew they had you. What are you going to say to Little Billy when he says “Happy Father’s Day, Dad! I want to take you golfing! Mom gave me money to pay!”? You also love steak and baked potatoes! WE’VE BEEN HAD MEN!!! Father’s Day is a plot contrived by women to get another “Mother’s Day”!! And don’t get all indignant, Auntie Johnson! You know I’m right!!


Somewhere back in time a “top-secret” meeting of mothers was held where there was a “universal plan” developed, that gave detailed instructions to all mothers, on how best to manipulate Father’s Day in their favour. I bet it was in that post-natal care package she got at the hospital!!!

“What’s that?” I asked as we left the hospital.

“Oh nothing important, just some instructions on post-natal care” she replied.

OH YEAH! I BET!!! Now that I think back, I’m sure that on my first Father’s Day, my wife handed me my son and said, “Its Father’s Day, and you should spend time with your son”. It worked!!! How could I say no. So, from that day forward, every Father’s Day I felt guilty if I even considered sneaking off for some “me” time. SHE WENT TO THE SPA FOR MOTHER’S DAY!!! AND I PAID!!!


It’s sad to say, but I have to applaud a mother’s ingenuity. I’m upset that father’s didn’t think of it first. We didn’t get a post-natal packet with the How-to instructions. The one that had a chapter on special days, that explained the how-to give the money and the idea to Billy. “Happy Mother’s Day mom! I’m taking you to the spa!! Dad gave me the money to pay!”

How much fun would it be to take Billy to the spa? “Billy, don’t eat the soap” “Billy sit still!” “Billy, leave that woman alone!” “BILLEEE!!! STOP!!!!”

Yes, it would have been nice if men had thought of “you should spend quality time with the children” first, but we didn’t. So, we get to spend Mother’s Day and Father’s Day with Billy.

“Billy, stop playing with the ball washer.” “Billy, that’s not your ball!” “Billy! Be quiet when someone’s shooting” “ BILLEEE!!! STOP!!!!”

Face it men, it was over before it began.




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