News From The Cracks

Last week I read these news headlines…

‘Trump says Canadians are smuggling shoes’

‘Britain and Europe facing beer shortage during world cup’

‘Canada passes final reading of cannabis law


I know there are more important headlines that have a more of a significant impact on mankind, but if you’re looking for those kind of insights you’re in the wrong place. I know Volcanoes are erupting, families are being separated at borders and people are still shooting each other pretty much everywhere but so do you, and focusing on tragic events will just depress us all so let’s look not do that.


‘Trump says that Canadians are smuggling shoes’


In the midst of ever escalating ‘US versus The World’ trade disputes, Trump comments that Canadian’s are buying shoes in the States and then smuggling them across the border back to Canada. Using this particular example to illustrate just how crafty and evil Canadians really are. That’s right! We Canadians are a security risk and are hurting US trade because we smuggle shoes!!! And purses!!! We cross the Canadian/US border looking all nice and neighbourly but in secret we have larceny in our hearts. Canadians are entering the United States of America with sole intent to cause mayhem south of our border by shopping!


We spend Canadian dollars in American shops, because even with the dollar exchange there are still savings to be had south of the border. We go there and leave our money behind in restaurants and hotels. We tip the cab driver’s and even give a homeless man a buck or two. Then we return to our country having added to the prosperity of theirs. This is a threat how??? We’re putting Americans out of work in which way? Does their President realize that we’re screwing over our own government not his?!!


‘Britain and Europe facing beer shortage during World Cup’


This caught my eye because it impacts my friend The Earl. A beer shortage at any time in England would be a problem but during the world’s most watched sporting event it could prove to be a serious issue. The World Cup is not a one day event like the Super Bowl. It goes on for a month! That’s two weeks longer than the Olympics!! The pubs are packed for every game!! They need a lot of beer in England!!!


The culprit is the lack of CO2 that producers use to put the fizz in their brew. It seems that over the last decade that plants throughout Britain and Europe that produce CO2 have been closing and now there is only one left in the entire British Isles! Less than a handful on the continent! It’s the World Cup! There’s 32 nations being represented, more than half are European!! They all need a lot of beer!!!


I have The Earl’s back though if things get dicey, I’m more than willing to send him a 6-pack of good ol’ Lucky Lager if he needs me to. We haven’t had any issues with CO2 in Canada since Trump was elected. Seems he expels enough for two countries.


‘Canada passes final reading of cannabis law’


The law to end Canada’s prohibition on cannabis aka ‘pot’ has passed its final hurdle in Canada’s Parliament and will be signed into law by the Queen of England officially on Oct 17th. That’s right Canada is about to become the most popular nation in the Commonwealth! Now people travelling won’t mind a six hour lay-over in Toronto. Canada will become a destination that traveller’s will consider when planning a trip abroad. “Come to Canada and we’ll all get stoned together.” You thought Canadians were friendly before!!! The Americans will be crossing our borders and bringing shoes to trade for our pot! We won’t have to shop in the United States at all!! They’ll bring the stuff to us!!! Tariff that Trump..!..


As hard as it is to believe on Oct 17th Canada will become only the 3rd country to legalize pot for something other than medical purposes. Spain and Uruguay are the only other countries that allow people to light up just for the hell of it. Many countries have decriminalized possession of pot but the trade is still illegal. We’re going to have Pot Stores!!! What do you think Donny?? We’re going to put the Pot Store right beside the Asian-made Nike shoe store, the one that sells at non-tariff pricing. Your people are going to bring their money to us!! And we’re going to encourage it!!!


We’ll put up billboards all over the US that read “Come to Canada, get stoned and shop!!!” and “Disneyland isn’t the happiest place on earth… Canada is!” The line-up at the border will stretch to Mexico. People will be swarming across our borders in such numbers that we’ll have to build a wall and make the Americans pay for it!! It will also clog up the US legal system as they are forced to arrest their own citizens when they try to bring back a souvenir from their travels to the ‘great white north’. “Honestly officer, I thought the brownies were from the bakery BESIDE the Pot Store.” I get the feeling they will be needing a whole lot more rubber gloves at US Customs. Oh! Oh! That’s a problem. They’re made in China!


Thanks for reading and remember this is not an official news source. I get my info from the “fake” news agencies just like the rest of you, so my opinion of the headlines may or may not be correct. Maybe Canadians really are crossing the border wearing snowshoes and coming back wearing Gucci loafers. I wonder what the market pays for smuggled snowshoes in Texas?








  1. // Reply

    I got a real kick out of this piece. Well done.

    FYI: Get this! As you say, pot will soon be legal in Canada. But it won’t be in the US (as you also indicate). Now here’s something that I didn’t know until just recently–and it could have quite an impact on the shoe smuggling industry. Anyone who is trying to slip into the US (for any reason, not just shoe smuggling) and admits to having used pot at ANYTIME IN HIS OR HER ENTIRE LIFE will be banned from the US for the rest of his or her entire life.

    I’m not kidding. Apparently, this law has been on the books for a long time and US officials aren’t about to change it. So … either forget about the shoes, or lie through your teeth or be prepared to apply for an exemption (I think it has to be for a specific reason [I don’t think I have to point out that shoe stealing is not a good one] and for a specific time period). The request for an exemption can take years to process.

    I’m just saying …

    1. // Reply

      Sometimes you are just too funny Uncle J. Thanks for the info if I should ever land on US soil again… I will keep my mouth shut.

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