I have a terrible cold. I think I’m dying. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but since I don’t frequently get sick every time I do, I think I’m dying. I don’t handle sickness very well.
Being under the weather makes every task I must do seem momentous. Tying my shoe laces requires a rest period between shoes while I recharge my non-functioning batteries. I haven’t even left the house yet!!! When I finally turn the knob on the door to exit I am in serious doubt as to whether I will survive the day at hand. But I do, I always do. The day seems longer which only makes sense because at my sicknesses peak, I feel like I am swimming through a world made of Jell-O. You can’t move fast when you’re surrounded by Jell-O… It’s impossible!!
My brain doesn’t connect dots very well when I am sick. Conversations get confusing and occasionally I will find myself giving someone a blank look that says “Who are you?” and “How did I get here?” When I give that look the other person always stops speaking and asks me the same thing every time, “Are you okay?” No I’m not okay!!! I’m sick and you’re bothering me in my moment of self-pity!!!
“Sorry,” I say, “I’m sick you should keep your distance.” I always warn people I come in contact with about getting too close to me when I am ill. The problem is that when I say that to someone they always step closer to me. What is the deal??? Do they believe they are bulletproof? Do they think because it’s Christmas that no germ could bring them down? Did they hit every branch when they fell out of the stupid tree???
For the last five days I have struggled with the feeling of impending death. Each day I have managed to cheat death and get the job at hand done. I have fended off people the best I could in the hope of not infecting them. At the end of each day I have made it home and immediately started to drink from the bottle marked ‘Do not operate heavy equipment’ in the hopes that my cold will disappear.
A doctor’s advice would be to “rest in bed and drink plenty of fluids”. This of course is a ridiculous statement. This is the Christmas season, and there is no time to rest. Doctors may have that kind of time available but the rest of us do not. We have things to do, presents to buy and wrap, and lets not forget the big assed Christmas meal to buy for and prepare. Doctors may have the luxury of resting in bed but the rest of us do not.
Christmas is coming regardless of my current state of health, so the best I can do is get whatever sleep I can and drink as much fluid from the cold remedy bottle as is medically safe and soldier on. Even though I will take precautions to not spread my disease, the stores are packed with shoppers and contact with them is unavoidable. So by the end of my illness I will have shared it with hundreds of unsuspecting people. They will go home and share it with the rest of their family, my gift to them. Merry Christmas!!