They Come Rap, Rap, Rapping… (Oct 2013)

It is ‘All Hallows Eve’ aka Halloween, October 31st. Yes, this is the day when it’s okay to go to work in drag. If you are a closet cross-dresser, today is the day that you can jump out and strut your stuff and no one will be the wiser. Your peers will accept you and praise you on the work you’ve put into your costume. You can look them in the eye and say “Really? This old thing??” and they will laugh and slap you on the back and the day will go on. Just put everything back in the closet by morning and next year you can finally go out in that nurses uniform you’ve been dying to wear in public. Yes today is Halloween and it’s the day when everyone that wants too, young and old, can play dress-up. The day when the ghouls and goblins come to your door, followed by Scooby-Doo and Shaggy too.

 

That’s right!! They’re coming to my door!! And the only way to make them go away is to give them junk food!! Treats they call them, just like you give a dog! For four hours I will be subjected to an endless ‘BANG, BANG, RING, RING, BANG, BANG… TRICK OR TREAT’ by every person in my town that is less than five feet tall!! I’ll go to the door and there they’ll be, all dressed up as some character from some movie or TV show that I have never seen before and hold out their sacks expectantly, and I’ll have to give them a treat OR THEY WON’T GO AWAY!!! It wouldn’t be so bad if they would all come at once, but they space it out over four hours! The first hour is all the people that are three feet or less, they are accompanied by Dad, who is still dressed as ‘Marilyn’ (“Hey Pete, you look good.”, “What this old thing?” Har, Har, Har). The second hour is dominated by those in the 3’ to 4’2” range; they come in packs with their parents watching from the street. Hours three and four I will get the 4’3” to 5’ groups, they roam alone and in packs and show up at strange intervals. Just when I think it’s over, and settled my ass on the couch… ‘BANG, BANG, RING, RING’, they’re just like the waitresses that wait until you put food in your mouth before coming to ask how everything is.

 

I know that this may appear to be half an effort for what might have been a fun piece but it is already time to light the frickin’ Jack-o-Lantern and get ready for the onslaught, so I need to end my piece here but I have posted below a poem submitted to ‘I’m No Poe’ by Eli. It’s a terrific read and quite on topic, so enjoy; and if you want to get the full value of this piece read it out loud. Out loud is the way poetry was meant to be read, not silently.

Happy Halloween!

 

The Halloween Rescue of Oxford Collector (Or: Monsters Don’t Eat Wieners and Beans)

Now, Oxford Collector believes (as I do)
That witches are real and goblins are true,
That scarecrows and dragons and bullies and beasts
Eat innocent victims for Halloween treats,
That right at this moment, about to begin,
This Halloween feast at the Halloween Inn.

 

 

 

 

The harpies are shrieking a horrible screech,
Applauding a banshee’s pre-Halloween speech.
The goblins are growling, the zombie’s awake.
The skeletons cackle their bones on the plate.
The scarecrows are thirsty, the griffins are grim
And Dracula’s licking some blood from his chin.

 

The caldron is boiling. The Wolfman is primed
To mix up the makings of Halloween slime.
The recipe hangs by the stove on the wall.
It’s older than monsters or beasts can recall.

 

“Blend essence of SPIDER with pinch of a SNAKE,
Add teaspoon of BAT and give it a shake.
Pluck legs from the SPIDER and wings from the BAT,
Strip skin from the SNAKE for some boiling in fat.
Stir blood in the mixture till thicker than paste.
Serve chilled over nettles to sharpen the taste.
WE’RE DEVILS AND PHANTOMS AND DEMONS AND FIENDS
WHO DON’T AS A RULE EAT WIENERS AND BEANS!”

—–

Poor Oxford’s concerned—as concerned he should be—
For all that’s in store for these innocent three.
A bat’s just a mouse that can see without eyes
(It travels by radar you know, when it flies).
A snake’s just a serpent we’d rather not meet
(It’s surely not something preferred that we eat).
A spider hunts insects and snags them in traps
(It builds them from webbings in corners and cracks).
They’re not very pleasant, these victims of beasts.
But that doesn’t mean that they’re Halloween treats.

Concluding these critters deserve better fates
Than ending as pastries on Halloween plates,
Our Oxford Collector, a sensitive lad,
Decides that he’ll rescue these foods from the bad.

 

He travels by bus to the Halloween Inn.
The party’s already begun to begin.
He sneaks in the kitchen disguised as a ghost
And shackles the Wolfman with chains to a post.
Then quick as a flash it’s a dash to the cage
Where bat’s fast asleep and the snake’s in a rage.
Unlocking the cell door, how quickly they flee!
(Snake straddles the back of the bat to be free).

 

“Where’s spider?” thinks Oxford. He searches the hall.
She’s nowhere in sight … From the caldron she calls.
“Here I am! Over here, already amix
With sludge from a dumpster for Halloween tricks!”

He snatches up spider, dumps over the pot.
He douses the fire … AND THEN HE GETS CAUGHT!

 

Yes Oxford Collector, our sensitive lad,
Is so busy saving the food from the bad,
His sheet falls away, his disguise disappears.
What’s left of his ghost is a kid full of fear.

—–

 

The Halloween Hall is so scary and bleak
Our sensitive lad’s staring down at his feet,
A chant from the fiends for their Halloween feed
Fills Halloween Hall full of Halloween greed.

 

“Let’s cut up the kid!” they then roar as a host.
“He’s stolen our grub so let’s serve him on toast!
We’ve waited all year for our Halloween treat.
This kid has denied us our Halloween feast!
We’re goblins who growl. Our zombie’s awake.
We skeletons clackle our bones on the plate.
We scarecrows are thirsty. We griffins are grim.
And Dracula’s licking some blood from his chin.
WE’RE DEVILS AND PHANTOMS AND DEMONS AND FIENDS
WHO DON’T AS A RULE EAT WIENERS AND BEANS!”

 

They overwhelm Oxford and lock him in chains.
They dip him in grease and they fan up the flames.
The cauldron is filled up with slime to the lid.
The dragon is summoned to carve up the kid.

 

But just as the knife is about to begin
To slice down his leg from his knee to his shin,
The spider returns to the Halloween hall
To rescue Collector who rescued them all …
And with her, the snake pulling buckets of beans
Behind him bursts in … while the bat in the beams
Drops wieners like bombs on the noggins below …
The monsters look up … and the spider skips quick
To Oxford, unchains him and whispers, “Let’s split!”

 

The bat drops the wieners. The snake dumps the beans.
The monsters all struggle for footholds. It seems
They can’t get a grip in the beans with their claws.
Their hooves or their nails, their teeth or their paws.
They’re slipping and sliding all over the place.
For terrible freaks it’s an awful disgrace.

—–

 

Out into the night and out into the dark,
The four race away cross the Halloween Park.
Behind them the roars of the monsters and fiends,
Awash in an ocean of wieners and beans,
Lay a curse on the snake, the spider and bat,
But mostly on Oxford who’s mostly a brat.
Their curse is a promise they’ll suffer no peace:
“TILL THE FOUR OF YOU PAY FOR RUINING OUR FEAST!”

 

That’s all that they hear on this Halloween night
From freaks and from fiends of such horror and fright.
They know in their hearts to keep watch and beware
Of Halloween evening next year when the air
Will swallow up daylight with screams and with cries,
With shadows of brutes who bring dread to the eyes.

 

The caldron will boil. The Wolfman will time
How long he should simmer his Halloween slime.
He’ll check with the menu that hangs on the wall.
The recipe’s new for this Halloween ball.

 

“Blend essence of SPIDER with pinch of a SNAKE,
Add teaspoon of BAT and give it a shake.
Pluck legs from the SPIDER and wings from the BAT,
Strip skin from the SNAKE for some boiling in fat.
Stir blood in the mixture till thicker than paste.
Serve chilled over nettles to sharpen the taste.
Now cook up Collector, that sensitive lad.
He’ll serve as a special desert for the bad.
WE’RE DEVILS AND PHANTOMS AND DEMONS AND FIENDS
WHO DON’T AS A RULE EAT WIENERS AND BEANS!”

 

 

 

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