I can’t stop the grass from growing. It’s been rainy and cool for more than a week and my grass just loves it. The slow release fertilizer I applied for the wedding is working great and my grass is growing faster and thicker than it ever did. Even two years ago when we held the wedding!! When the bag said ‘slow release’, I thought they meant the same year!!! The grass is calling so I’m digging back in time for something to entertain you with.


July 2013


I love my yard in the summer; to me it’s a work of Art. My wife’s green thumb never ceases to produce colourful growth everywhere you look. Right now the lilies are in bloom and our yard is absolutely covered in different coloured flowers and when the grass is cut it makes the gardens ‘pop’. Keeping the lawn trimmed and manicured is my responsibility; my wife handles all the gardens. For those of you that garden, you know I got the better part of the deal.


Cutting the grass is a three stage event that requires the use of three different pieces of equipment. The push mower, the ride-on mower, and the edge trimmer aka ‘weed-whacker’. The order in which I use them is solely dependent on my mood. If I want to do a thorough job, one that will make the neighbour’s envious, I start with the edger. If I just want to get it over and done with, I go immediately to the ride-on. How I start the job will directly impact the end result. Using the ‘weed-whacker’ and push mower to trim before I ride also is the safest way to do the job. You see I have twenty-seven trees of various shapes and genus, along with fifteen gardens that I must navigate around just to cut the grass. Trimming is a tedious, time consuming task, and by using the ride-on first, I am able to reduce the trimming time by getting as close to the trees as possible. This although turns mowing the lawn into a blood-sport!


The majority of the trees in my yard are mature; the branches grow where the branches grow. They have been trimmed but there always seems to be a limb that I am forced to duck under or lean around while I try to get as much grass cut as possible. The worst are the fruit trees, there are five apples and the evil-plum, and these are the trees that usually draw first blood as I lean away from them. They have sharp two to three inch thorns, which like to leave slash marks on my exposed arms. I will look down and see the blood trail on my forearm after I’ve passed close to them, the mosquitoes don’t bother to bite me, they just land and start licking. The limbs of the fruit trees are not flexible either, you can’t just brush them aside as you go past like you can a Spruce tree, and they grow in just a way that you’re enticed to draw nearer than you should. JUST SO THE BASTARDS CAN CUT YOU!!! I’ve now been sliced up so frequently by the evil-plum that I don’t even try to get close while riding, I’ll come back with the push mower. The apples are young though and they’re constantly sucking me in! Today one of them cut my leg!! I swear it reached out!!!


The other trees that I consider dangerous are something called a Mountain Ash. They look tame enough but their limbs are like steel. There is no give, they leave bruises and scrapes all over if you don’t get out of the way! They too like to present me with what looks like a route close to their trunks, only to have hidden branches that like to stab me after I’ve entered the trap!


The most dangerous looking trees are the Blue Spruce with their draping limbs and leaves called ‘NEEDLES’ but in truth they do the least amount of damage, just a few scratches. What the Spruce does do, is grabs at the earphones of my IPod tearing them out of my ears and holding on. Making me twist my body into un-natural positions only a gymnast should perform as the mower moves on, all in an attempt not to get strangled while freeing them. I believe the Spruce works in tandem with the Mountain Ash that sits directly beside it. Holding the earphones just long enough to distract me away from my chosen path and to close to the looming Ash, which just so happens to have a nice new branch waiting to say hello to the side of my head!! By the time I finish with that tree line the blood from the apple has dried and the mosquitoes are now licking my forehead! The saddest part is I still have to go back to these trees and trim the grass that they wouldn’t let me get near! And I know they’ve got tricks up their bark waiting for me to return! Maybe I should go back with a chainsaw!! That would show them!!!


It would also get me in some deep ‘doo-doo’ with Honey. She puts in the maximum amount of effort to turn our yard into Art. She spends hours of her free time watering, weeding and fertilizing to create an image that is appealing to the eye. She creates a beautiful spectacle. Cutting the trees down in a fit of anger might be detrimental to this image. So to keep this vision alive, I cut and trim regularly, maintaining my part of the picture because it is up to me to keep the frame tidy… regardless of blood loss.






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