Deadly Critters

critter001It’s been raining here for the better part of two weeks which means two things, my over-fertilized wedding grass from last year has grown three inches and there are a billion mosquitoes lurking in it. They’re just waiting for me to mow the lawn. I can hear them buzzing out there, taunting me, “Yum, Yum, Yum, here he comes. Look he’s in shorts, yum, yum, yum.” If mosquitoes salivate I can bet they’re drooling all over the grass right now knowing it won’t be long before it’s feeding time. I’ll take every precaution and spray heavily before starting but you know how it is, you never get everywhere and guaranteed those little bastards will find the spot I miss. The odds are I will get nothing more than an itchy welt but the odds aren’t as good as they used to be. The worst part is that is only in my yard, what about the rest of the world!!

 

critter009The latest sinister insect to attack mankind is the Zika virus carrying mosquito. It has joined the West Nile virus carrying mosquito and the Malaria carrying mosquito, which has been around since the beginning of mosquitoes. But mosquitoes are not the only decease carrying critter out there, there are the ticks that carry Lyme decease and let’s not forget our four legged friends that rabid skunks that begat the rapid dog and rabid squirrel. We’ve got MAD cows and that thing that killed all those chickens a few years back, oh wait… that was Colonel Sanders.

 

When I look at the map of the world that shows how far the Zika virus is due to travel this year, I get the distinct impression that it is coming for me. It should be here no later than 2018. That only gives me 18 months to devise a plan to survive this latest attack by Mother Nature. critter006I realize that the Zika virus would have little impact on me since I am well past the child producing years but I have children that are having children. I don’t want grandchildren that have little heads and small brains; they already have enough challenges… I’ve met the parents!!! (Okay, cheap shot just for a laugh, sorryJ) The virus carrying mosquitoes could potentially migrate half way up the North American continent by the end of this year, the fez wearing West Nile virus carrying mosquitoes got to my area last year! It’s dangerous out there!!

 

I’m pretty sure I can avoid the rabid animals but bugs love me! I’m a delicacy, like caviar or truffles. Even the Canadian insects think I’m sweet to eat!! There is no way I can avoid these ravenous little creatures. How I’ve managed to avoid some decease up to now is a modern miracle. I should have been dead a decade ago!

 

critter008I have the most sympathy for Brazil, a country I have definitely crossed off my travel destination list. Not only are the people dealing with a corrupt government but they are the epicenter of the Zika outbreak. To add to their problems the country is hosting this year’s summer Olympics, normally this would attract hundreds of thousands of visitor’s but with the higher than normal risks that number will take a drastic hit. Even some of the competing nations are considering not sending their athletes. After all these are young men and women and asking them to abstain from sexual contact for six months (the CDC recommended time period for the virus to leave your system) is a ridiculous request. These are teens and young adults you’re talking about, you can’t tell them not to have sex and expect they’ll listen! They have no self control and they’re always horny!!!

 

critter003The point is that there are so many things going around these days that anyone that likes to travel has to do some serious research before deciding where to go. Do I risk the Ebola monkeys and head to the Serengeti? Do I go spelunking in the caves of France and risk a rabid bat attack?? Do I lie on the beach in the sunny Caribbean and get chewed on by every insect that heard I was in the country, carrying God knows what!!! Deciding on the safest course of action is becoming quite stressful.  A map of the potentially infected areas covers half the globe. The half I want to go to!!!

 

I guess I could just stay inside and watch the grass grow from the safety of my living room, or wrap myself from head to toe in Deet soaked gauze like a mummy in order to avoid getting bitten. This seems a bit extreme though so I’m going to do what the rest of North America is doing, roll the dice and take my chances that the deadly critters out there will pass me by and get the guy beside me instead.

U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Chad Kellum
U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Chad Kellum   

 

All this might not happen if ‘The Donald’ is elected president, I’m sure he will authorize a DDT aerial bombardment of the southern United States along the US/Mexican wall and my problems will be over. See there’s always an upside to everything.

 

 

1 Comment


  1. //

    Here are some suggestions:
    1. Don’t wear shorts when you are cutting the grass. Wear coveralls, a hat with a hanky thingy hanging off the back of the hat (you know, like the hats they used to wear in the Foreign Legion when Gunga Din wanted to be a Legionnaire). Tape up the arm sleeves (is that how you spell “sleeves”?) at the wrist, and the leg bottoms at the ankles with masking tape. Wear boots, not sandals. This leaves only your face and neck (mostly the front of your neck because you have you Foreign Legion hanky thingy covering the back of your neck) … like I say, this leaves only your face and neck front open to attack–oh yeah, and your mouth (very big, hard to protect)–and they alone have to be sprayed.
    2. Catch Poison Ivy. I had poison Ivy when I was a kid. Seven years of it, maybe eight. Bad stuff. But I think I got enough poison in my system now to discourage most insects.
    3. Get your kids and grandkids to cut the grass. After all you’re trying to save their lives.
    4. Get Honey to cut the grass. After all, she married you and cutting the grass goes with the territory.
    5. Burn the grass and lay cement. Paint it green. Get rid of your coveralls and have a drink.

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